Why Couples Get Stuck in the Same Fight
If your car were stuck in sand, and you kept pressing the gas, you’d likely get more deeply entrenched in the sand and unable to get the car out by yourself. Sometimes we find ourselves pushing harder for our position, attempting to convince our partner to our view, only to cause the rift to deepen. The harder you push, the harder they push back, and soon you’re both spinning your wheels. What gets a car out of sand is stopping, getting out, and looking at what’s under the tires. The same is true in a relationship. Before you can move forward, you have to stop pushing and understand what’s actually holding you in place.
Part of what keeps couples stuck is the belief that every disagreement has a solution, and that if you explain it well enough, your partner will come around. John Gottman’s research points in a different direction. In the couples he studied, many of the problems never fully resolved, and that wasn’t a sign that something was wrong with them.
What Gottman found about the problems couples keep having
Gottman has studied couples for decades. In his research, about 69 percent of the problems couples faced were what he calls perpetual problems, and the other 31 percent were solvable ones (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Solvable problems are situational: who handles the dishes this week, how to split the holidays, what to do about Saturday. Couples can negotiate those.
Perpetual problems come from lasting differences between two people. One of you is a saver and one is a spender. One needs time with the crew after a shift, and one wants you home. One wants a big social life, and the other recharges alone. These differences were often part of what drew you together. They don’t go away, because they’re part of who each of you is.
When a problem turns into gridlock
In Gottman’s work, it’s gridlock that hurts a couple, not the perpetual problem itself. Gridlock is what happens when you stop talking about the problem and start fighting over the fact that you can’t solve it. The conversation goes the same way every time. You know how it will end before you start. Each of you feels more hurt and less understood, and the topic becomes too loaded to touch.
Gridlock is also where criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling tend to show up (Gottman Institute, n.d.-a). Those are the patterns I watch for in my office.
What’s underneath the fight
Gottman’s approach is to stop trying to win and start getting curious. Underneath almost every gridlocked fight is a dream, a hope or value that matters deeply to one of you (Gottman Institute, n.d.-b). The spender isn’t just spending. Maybe the money means freedom or generosity. The saver isn’t just being tight. Maybe the money means safety, and that matters if you grew up without it.
Try this, one at a time, and no solving allowed:
- Ask what it means. “What does this mean to you?” “Where does this come from?” “What are you afraid of losing?”
- Listen without fixing. Your only job is to understand.
- Say what you need, without blame. Start with your own feelings, not your partner’s faults.
- Find the core and the give. Each of you names what you can’t give up and where you have room to bend. Then try a temporary compromise that respects both.
The goal isn’t to make the problem vanish. It’s to take the sting out of it, so it becomes something you manage together, not something you fight about every month.
If you’re stuck
If you’ve had the same fight for years, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad match. It may mean you have a perpetual problem you haven’t yet learned to talk about. Couples therapy can help with that. Here is how I work with couples, and you can schedule an appointment whenever you’re ready.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.-a). When the fight never ends: Why most couple conflict isn’t meant to be solved. https://www.gottman.com/blog/when-the-fight-never-ends/
The Gottman Institute. (n.d.-b). Overcoming gridlocked conflict. https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/